Which Wars Win?

Star Wars is a funny thing. It used to be nerdy to like Star Wars, then it was cool to like it and now it’s like being at a christmas party full of constipated grinches: nobody gives a shit.

Like most fans, I prefer the older films (Empire is king), but I don’t want you to think I’m a rabid Jar-Jar denier, running around in a “Han Shot First!” t-shirt. I’m a Star Wars moderate and I’m well aware of the fact it’s possible that I only like the old films better because I saw them as a kid and we all know nostalgia has a funny habit making the past seem cooler than it was (Battle of the Planets anyone?).

Given that Lucas is about to put our wallets through the ringer again by re-releasing all the films again (this time in 3D), I thought it was time to see if science could help us determine if the old films really are better, or if we’re just jaded old men pining for the past.

To this end, I’ve acquired a human baby – don’t ask, just keep the car running – and I will now show said baby all six films and then ask her to report on which films she preferred and why. Of course there’s a chance she’ll hate all six films (and me for making her watch them), but surely there’s no price too high for a truth so important.

– Kent ‘Surely Han & Greedo could have worked it out’ Valentine

That's no yarmulke, it's a space station

Today I’m going to a Jewish wedding and I’m not happy because I’ve just found out that I’ve got to bring my own yarmulke/kippah/skull-cap.

This isn’t a logistical problem because I’ve been to Jewish weddings in the past and have been given a yarmulke each time. I now have a small collection of them which I keep between the heavy brass fittings that I would steal as a child each time our family went to “Sizzler” and the coffee mug of foreign coins that I’m too lazy to organise, but too stingy to throw away.

I figure the change is good for the collection box of any compulsory, Christian-church attendance (If God’s not happy with Euros, he can kiss my Costa Rican colón), the yarmulkes are fine for any Jewish weddings or impromptu indoor frisbee tournaments and I can use the brass fittings for braining any Mormons that actually make it through the front door. They’re my religious insurance collections.

The only reason that I’m bummed about having to bring my own yarmulke is that getting a free skull-cap is one of my favourite things about Jewish weddings. In fact, until today, that’s what I thought Jewish weddings were about: Joining two souls in the eyes of God, contract law & free hats. Also, my yarmulke collection is how I keep track of my Jewish wedding attendance. How will I know how many Jewish weddings I’ve attended if I don’t get a free hat?

Previously, this was an easy question to answer as: Jewish Weddings Attended = N (where N is the number of free yarmulkas next to the change mug). Now that I have to supply my own skull-cap, my equation will have to be updated to: JWA = N + 1 which a) is a clumsy expression, and b) is going to look horrible when I amend the original formula in my “Kent’s Big Book of Life Equations”.

Since updating the equation would be an administrative pain the arse, I’ve decided to take a radical course of action and make my own yarmulke for the wedding which I’ll wear and then add to the collection. I’ve cut a picture of the Death Star out of my Star Wars Annual (2009) and stuck it to a small circle of fabric the same size and shape as a regular yarmulke. Now, when I stand next to someone at the wedding, from the back, it will look like their head is about to become the victim of an intergalactic laser attack.