That's no yarmulke, it's a space station

Today I’m going to a Jewish wedding and I’m not happy because I’ve just found out that I’ve got to bring my own yarmulke/kippah/skull-cap.

This isn’t a logistical problem because I’ve been to Jewish weddings in the past and have been given a yarmulke each time. I now have a small collection of them which I keep between the heavy brass fittings that I would steal as a child each time our family went to “Sizzler” and the coffee mug of foreign coins that I’m too lazy to organise, but too stingy to throw away.

I figure the change is good for the collection box of any compulsory, Christian-church attendance (If God’s not happy with Euros, he can kiss my Costa Rican colón), the yarmulkes are fine for any Jewish weddings or impromptu indoor frisbee tournaments and I can use the brass fittings for braining any Mormons that actually make it through the front door. They’re my religious insurance collections.

The only reason that I’m bummed about having to bring my own yarmulke is that getting a free skull-cap is one of my favourite things about Jewish weddings. In fact, until today, that’s what I thought Jewish weddings were about: Joining two souls in the eyes of God, contract law & free hats. Also, my yarmulke collection is how I keep track of my Jewish wedding attendance. How will I know how many Jewish weddings I’ve attended if I don’t get a free hat?

Previously, this was an easy question to answer as: Jewish Weddings Attended = N (where N is the number of free yarmulkas next to the change mug). Now that I have to supply my own skull-cap, my equation will have to be updated to: JWA = N + 1 which a) is a clumsy expression, and b) is going to look horrible when I amend the original formula in my “Kent’s Big Book of Life Equations”.

Since updating the equation would be an administrative pain the arse, I’ve decided to take a radical course of action and make my own yarmulke for the wedding which I’ll wear and then add to the collection. I’ve cut a picture of the Death Star out of my Star Wars Annual (2009) and stuck it to a small circle of fabric the same size and shape as a regular yarmulke. Now, when I stand next to someone at the wedding, from the back, it will look like their head is about to become the victim of an intergalactic laser attack.

Cage's Reduction

If you’re doing a “to-camera” piece in public, then the credibility that you’re automatically afforded by those who pass you in the street is directly related to the number of crew you have with you.

Watching a guy recording himself on a handicam at Kings Cross, I noticed that he was being bumped and jostled by any number of passers by who could see what he was doing, but didn’t care about interrupting him because his lack of crew indicated that it probably wasn’t very important. Crew of zero means you’re probably blogging on the long tail with a viewing audience of zero.

As you start to amass crew, the repect & space afforded to you by the general public will increase according the number of crew that you have. People see crew, realise that what you’re filming is probably legit and will give you more space.

This increase in respect will plateau at about 4 and will then actual diminish if the crew approaches 30. This is due to the fact that as the crew increases, it becomes statistically more likely that Nicolas Cage is involved with the project, a fact that will not only decrease cred, repect and space that the public is willing to give you, but may also result in the crowd becoming angry and violent, especially if they’ve seen Ghostrider, Next or Knowing.

Colloquially, this is known as Cage’s Reduction.