In for a £ing

I’m not sure whether it’s malnutrition, a lack of self-confidence or maybe it wasn’t breast-fed as a child, but there is something horribly wrong with the Australian dollar. A butterfly flaps its wings in the Amazon and suddenly the AUD is face-down on the canvas, losing blood and spitting out teeth. I don’t care if our dollar can’t throw a punch, but it should at least try to occasionally kick the Pound in the balls.

It would even be O.K. if all the other currencies were failing, but they’re all standing tall, leering at our dollar as it lies hog-tied on the floor, whimpering through a gimp mask. I’d like to think that it’s going to get up, but the Deutsche Mark has a boot at its throat and the Danish Kroner is fetching the Vasoline. I think it’s going to be a long recession.

The weird thing is, Australia would never accept this kind of pounding if it happened in any other area. If we were thrashed to within an inch of our life on the world sporting stage, then there would be a nation-wide uproar, a royal commission and lots of angry men in pubs. But when the Aussie Dollar goes down 5-0 to Paraguay, suddenly we pretend that don’t understand and we blame it on the finance boffins.

Well I think it’s time to take a stand, because it’s getting embarrassing, and I think I know why it’s happening. I think that our dollar likes to be punished. Here we were, all this time, assuming that our dollar hates being humiliated on the global markets, sneered at and pissed on by the other currencies, but I think that’s exactly what it’s into. We’ve got a dollar with masochistic tendencies, it likes the humiliation and pain.

Now I’m not presuming to know what’s right and wrong in the area of global economics, but I’d really prefer to have a less-kinky currency. Can swap this dollar out for a new one that doesn’t enjoy getting a regular pounding? If not, can we at least make sure that it knows what the safety word is?

Nazis are Dicks

The thing that I like about Neo-Nazis, becuase it’s important to have something, is that if you ever forget just what a bunch of dicks they are, they’ll be gracious enough to remind you. No other group of angry, shorn, racists will be so diligent in reminding you of their failings, which is one thing I’m grateful.

Most recently of course, two young Neo-Nazis were arrested in the United States for conspiracy to commit acts which included stealing firearms, shooting dead 88 African American students, beheading another 14 students and then assassinating Barack Obama – all the while, wearing white tuxedos and top hats. As I said, what a bunch of dicks. As far as I’m concerned, the only thing worse than being shot by a fascist with a single-digit IQ, is being shot by a fascist with a single-digit IQ wearing a white tuxedo. Roger Moore was the only person who looked good in a white tux, and even he was a bit of a dick.

Most astounding to me, was the specificity of the numbers involved: 88 and 14, and it was only after I read into the story a little more that I realised how frightening these guys were. The number 88 is auspicious to white supremacy as it references a white power manifesto called The 88 Precepts, a long list of rules kind of like the Ten Commandments, but for Nazis. It’s basically 88 reasons why Nazis are, you guessed it, dicks.

The list includes all of the basic extreme right-wing rhetoric that you’d expect from a Nazi manifesto, like: gays and blacks are bad, whites are good; but it also broadens the net of hated people to include “those of one’s own race who commit treason against one’s own kind and against the nations of one’s own kind.” That is, you should specifically hate those who are “diluting the white race” by interbreeding. Interbreeding = racial treason. Now I didn’t realise that I was an enemy of the white state, but I have a Jewish girlfriend, so I guess that makes me a race traitor. I mean, technically we haven’t interbred yet, but that’s only because she’s too busy controlling the media.

The final straw for me was the hypocrisy of the entire philosophy. Several of the precepts directly contradict each other (I’ll let you read those nuggets of joy yourselves) and even the actions of the two men seems to require a masters degree in doublethink. Both men stated that they believe that they would probably die as a result of their actions and that they were prepared to do so. But if you’re planning to kill a bunch of innocent people and then die yourself, why not just cut out the middleman? For a group of people so proud of their Aryan heritage, they seem very slow to adopt German efficiency.