Out With The Oldenburg, In With The Newton

Sorry, I know it’s a little early in the day for 17th Century, European, scientific-community jokes, but I really couldn’t help myself. It was certainly better than the Gary Oldman pun that I was considering.

What this post is really about, is a new website.

As much as I liked hand-coding my site with HTML from 1999, it was getting embarrassing being the only comedian on the internet still using the <- blink - > tag, so I’ve just gone and put the whole thing on WordPress.

This will now be the default location for all comedy related things that I do, see or recommend so stay posted.

Squirrel #1

Modern Warfare 2, Super Mario Penises and many more things that probably shouldn’t be broached by two men in their 30s.

[podcast format=”video”]http://www.kentvalentine.com/podcasts/Squirrel-on-a-stick_Episode_1.m4a[/podcast]

The podcast appears here as a video but it’s just a regular audio file which you can download here: http://www.kentvalentine.com/podcasts/Squirrel-on-a-stick_Episode_1.m4a

or alternatively you can subscribe to on iTunes here: http://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/squirrel-on-a-stick/id343659513

Delusion Smoothie

If self-delusion were an Olympic sport, I’d be on the podium with a gold medal around my neck, fist in the air like a Black Panther. I’m not black, or a panther, but that’s kind of the idea in this sport.

I can convince myself that a dawdle is a jog, that a light dusting is an adequate clean, and that reading xbox360.ign.com for 20 mins each day should be considered “work” because in 2005 I wrote two jokes about video games.

This is why I love breakfast, it’s the ultimate meal for hardcore delusionists. So many foods that in years gone by would have been firmly entrenched in the “only occasionally” section of the food pyramid, that would have been locked inside the sweet, fatty apex that crowns the foundation of boring root vegetables, fruit and lean meats; have somehow worked their way down to the more acceptable sections in what must surely be nutritional voodoo, pure and simple.

Smoothies, muffins and banana-bread (aka milkshakes, cup-cakes and banana-CAKE) have all been making appearances in the AM, littering the desks of office-workers around the world, too strapped for time to eat a bowl of muesli at home before work.
Is it any wonder that we’re living in the fattest countries on Earth? Not when we’re all jamming cake and milkshakes into our face-holes before the clock has even struck nine.

Now a normal, socially conscious person might feel the urge to speak out against this madness that we’re engaging in, but I freaking love it. Back in the eighties I use to have to subtly sneak an extra spoonful of brown sugar, past my Mum and onto my Weet-Bix each morning in order to satisfy the sugar craving that will ultimately cripple me with type two diabetes; but now I just say “I’ll have a banana smoothie please”.

Everybody loves smoothies, and rightly so, they’re amazing. Some love the fruity taste, some love the cold freshness of the milk, but I best love the moment that I spend each morning, deluding myself that a drink with ice-cream in it is the cornerstone of a healthy breakfast. Yum!

– Fatty Valentine

Cage's Reduction

If you’re doing a “to-camera” piece in public, then the credibility that you’re automatically afforded by those who pass you in the street is directly related to the number of crew you have with you.

Watching a guy recording himself on a handicam at Kings Cross, I noticed that he was being bumped and jostled by any number of passers by who could see what he was doing, but didn’t care about interrupting him because his lack of crew indicated that it probably wasn’t very important. Crew of zero means you’re probably blogging on the long tail with a viewing audience of zero.

As you start to amass crew, the repect & space afforded to you by the general public will increase according the number of crew that you have. People see crew, realise that what you’re filming is probably legit and will give you more space.

This increase in respect will plateau at about 4 and will then actual diminish if the crew approaches 30. This is due to the fact that as the crew increases, it becomes statistically more likely that Nicolas Cage is involved with the project, a fact that will not only decrease cred, repect and space that the public is willing to give you, but may also result in the crowd becoming angry and violent, especially if they’ve seen Ghostrider, Next or Knowing.

Colloquially, this is known as Cage’s Reduction.