Kent Valentine: Comedian, Producer, Gamer, Scoundrel

Squirrel on a Stick Episode 12 Now Online

Kent — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 22:05:45 +0000

Episode 12 of my non-award-winning video games podcast with fellow comedian Jim Smallman is now online.

After a long and inexcusable hiatus we return to talk to you about the morality of Transformers, Skyrim, FIFA 12 and 80s cartoon theme tunes.

Listen via the Squirrel on a Stick website or subscribe via iTunes.

Once more unto the £44.99 breach

Kent — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 19:41:29 +0000

I wouldn’t call myself a professional military man, but I’ve been hunting Russian terrorists from my couch for the last four years.

My first deployment was on a three seat sofa in Melbourne from which, green as grass and with an itchy trigger finger, I picked up the trail of a group of ne’er-do-wells and swore to bring them to justice. I followed the threat wherever it took me and in 2008 I was transferred to a uncomfortable, futon lounge at a secure location in London.

It was war, but notwithstanding one horrible incident at a Russian airport, those were happy days. Good hours were spent in the company of comrades, defusing bombs, calling in UAVs, camping on supply drops and capturing Charlie.

But everything wanes in time and eventually, even I wasn’t without battlescars. Sporting two thumbs riddled with RSI and a pair of index fingers calloused beyond repair, it was clear that my days of chasing terrorists were at an end, so I decided to settle down, adding a wife and two children to my personal platoon.

It turned out to be the right decision and before long I was safely ensconced in a leafy North-London suburb for a quiet life of nappies, beer and telling embellished tales of my exploits to anyone who would listen.

Or so I thought.

Not two nights ago, after putting the kids to bed and installing my wife in front of something involving public ridicule and GAry Barlow, I heard chatter on the squawk-box that a new threat was rearing its head, in London no less.

Now I’m not the soldier I once was; my joints are stiff, my reflexes are tired and my three-seat, terrorist-hunting sofa has been traded for a one-woman, rocking chair designed primarily for breast feeding.

But despite these handicaps, I’ll be damned if I’m going to put up with fictional terrorists rampaging through my town. I may be over the gaming hill, but let’s not forget that I’m a patient, willing, thirty-three year old man with a comfortable chair and the $44.99 that Activision will charge me to hunt these terrorist dogs down.

Kent Valentine is a committed husband and father of who will have sore fingers and tired eyes for the next few weeks.

Venus Patrol: A New Website About Video Games

Kent — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 09:00:44 +0000

If theres are two things that tickle my fancy, they are videogames and kickstarter, so imagine my delight when Brandon Boyer (@Brandonnn) kicked off this bad boy.

Get behind it game fans!

Deus Ex Human Revolution: Get this man a throat lozenge – Puns ‘n’ Ammo #8

Kent — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 07:44:34 +0000

Hey video-game makers, if you want us to listen to the 30+ hours of voice acting in your next game, how about a protagonist that doesn’t have a voice like broken glass?

Sex, Maths & Eric Clapton @ Camden Fringe 8-10 Aug

Kent — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 22:33:09 +0000

I’ll be performing my 2011 solo show Sex, Maths & Eric Clapton at the Camden Fringe Festival from Monday 8th – Wednesday 10th August @ 8pm. If you’re in London around those dates, please come along as this show won’t be making the rounds of all the festivals so it may be your only chance to see it. Full details are as follows:

Kent Valentine – Sex, Maths & Eric Clapton @ The Camden Fringe Kent tells stories that are full of jokes and he’s very good at it. In 2010 he won the Comedy Award & the LA Fringe Award for International performer at the Hollywood Fringe Festival. He was also nominated for best comedy at the Buxton Fringe & the Australian Comedy Review Critics Award at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. He hates Eric Clapton.

The Camden Head (formerly known as Liberties Bar) 100 Camden High Street London NW1 0LU ticket price: £7.50 (concessions: £6.00)

An Email to Felix Geyr (O2 Customer Service)

Kent — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 21:55:22 +0000

Here is a daily, cookie cutter email that I receive from O2 everyday that they don’t manage to connect my broadband:

On 25 Jul 2011, at 16:01, O2 Customer Services wrote:
Hello Kent,

We’re still working on your home phone fault. We’re sorry for any inconvenience this has caused you. We’ll let you know as soon as it’s fixed. If you have any more questions, call us on 0800 230 0202. Monday to Sunday, 24/7. Your reference number is XXXXXXX.

Best regards,

Felix Geyr
Head of O2 Home and Broadband

This email is sent from Telefónica UK Limited.
Registered Office:
260 Bath Road, Slough, Berkshire, SL1 4DX
Registered number: 1743099

Here is my reply:
Hi Felix,

Thanks for your email, it’s the kind of email that I’d prefer to read at home, but I can’t, because you guys still haven’t connected my Internet.

Instead, I’m forced to drive to the local high street everyday in order to download my inbox.

“Are you living out in the country?” I hear you ask. No Felix, I’m living on the top of a hill in London, one of the most populous and connected cities on the planet, but even so, there is no O2 3G reception in my house.

“Have you called us about that?” I hear you ask. Yes, I have.

“And what did we do?” I hear you ask.

Nothing.

“So let me get this straight: You’re paying us money to provide you with a telephone and Internet service that we haven’t been able to set up for you yet and you’re getting a little frustrated with my texts and emails?” I hear you ask.

Yes Felix, I am. I’ve been with O2 for 3 years for both mobile and broadband, but I’m pretty much at the point of leaving.

I took a day off work today so that a BT Openreach engineer could come and correct the problem but he never showed up, never called, never texted. Perhaps (s)he couldn’t get any reception here either.

You mention in your texts to me that I can be charged if I miss an appointment with you/Openreach. Does this mean that I can charge you for missing the appointment today? If not, why not? That hardly seems like the type of one-sided relationship that I’d like us to build going forward.

We used to have it so good. You supplied me with a mobile telephone and Internet service and I paid you money, on time and in full.

What happened?

The two main customer service operatives I’ve been dealing with (Ian in Leeds & Jon Locke(?) in Scotland) have been excellent, but are understandably unable to relieve my considerable anger and frustration.

I hope it is within your power to offer a more satisfactory resolution.

Yours Sincerely,
Kent Valentine

M: +44 7917 XXX XXX (no reception at home, which is where I will be, as I took the day off)

LA Noire: Can Rockstar Play the Good Guys? – Puns ‘n’ Ammo #7

Kent — Tue, 24 May 2011 21:52:50 +0000

Rockstar have a history of making (financing) games where you get to be the villain, what are they going to be like when you get to be the hero?

PSN Outage & Why I Feel Sorry for Sony – Puns ‘n’ Ammo #6

Kent — Thu, 12 May 2011 21:41:58 +0000

Lots of people have been giving Sony a hard time over the PSN outage, but I can’t help but feel sorry for them, here’s why:

Call of Duty: Black Ops – Where Did All These Freaking Zombies Come From? – Puns ‘n’ Ammo #5

Kent — Sun, 08 May 2011 22:58:00 +0000

Why the hell are there truck-loads of zombies appearing in our non-zombie games? I ask the tough questions (and take a shotgun along for good measure).

Mortal Kombat & Why You (Probably) Won’t Murder Anyone – Puns ‘n’ Ammo #4

Kent — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 22:58:44 +0000

Old people would have you think that violent video games will make you murder your Grandmother, pimp out your sister and cheat at Scrabble. Here are 2 mins of quasi-reasonable arguments as to why that’s a crock of shit.