Cage's Reduction

If you’re doing a “to-camera” piece in public, then the credibility that you’re automatically afforded by those who pass you in the street is directly related to the number of crew you have with you.

Watching a guy recording himself on a handicam at Kings Cross, I noticed that he was being bumped and jostled by any number of passers by who could see what he was doing, but didn’t care about interrupting him because his lack of crew indicated that it probably wasn’t very important. Crew of zero means you’re probably blogging on the long tail with a viewing audience of zero.

As you start to amass crew, the repect & space afforded to you by the general public will increase according the number of crew that you have. People see crew, realise that what you’re filming is probably legit and will give you more space.

This increase in respect will plateau at about 4 and will then actual diminish if the crew approaches 30. This is due to the fact that as the crew increases, it becomes statistically more likely that Nicolas Cage is involved with the project, a fact that will not only decrease cred, repect and space that the public is willing to give you, but may also result in the crowd becoming angry and violent, especially if they’ve seen Ghostrider, Next or Knowing.

Colloquially, this is known as Cage’s Reduction.

In for a £ing

I’m not sure whether it’s malnutrition, a lack of self-confidence or maybe it wasn’t breast-fed as a child, but there is something horribly wrong with the Australian dollar. A butterfly flaps its wings in the Amazon and suddenly the AUD is face-down on the canvas, losing blood and spitting out teeth. I don’t care if our dollar can’t throw a punch, but it should at least try to occasionally kick the Pound in the balls.

It would even be O.K. if all the other currencies were failing, but they’re all standing tall, leering at our dollar as it lies hog-tied on the floor, whimpering through a gimp mask. I’d like to think that it’s going to get up, but the Deutsche Mark has a boot at its throat and the Danish Kroner is fetching the Vasoline. I think it’s going to be a long recession.

The weird thing is, Australia would never accept this kind of pounding if it happened in any other area. If we were thrashed to within an inch of our life on the world sporting stage, then there would be a nation-wide uproar, a royal commission and lots of angry men in pubs. But when the Aussie Dollar goes down 5-0 to Paraguay, suddenly we pretend that don’t understand and we blame it on the finance boffins.

Well I think it’s time to take a stand, because it’s getting embarrassing, and I think I know why it’s happening. I think that our dollar likes to be punished. Here we were, all this time, assuming that our dollar hates being humiliated on the global markets, sneered at and pissed on by the other currencies, but I think that’s exactly what it’s into. We’ve got a dollar with masochistic tendencies, it likes the humiliation and pain.

Now I’m not presuming to know what’s right and wrong in the area of global economics, but I’d really prefer to have a less-kinky currency. Can swap this dollar out for a new one that doesn’t enjoy getting a regular pounding? If not, can we at least make sure that it knows what the safety word is?