After a long and inexcusable hiatus we return to talk to you about the morality of Transformers, Skyrim, FIFA 12 and 80s cartoon theme tunes.
I wouldn’t call myself a professional military man, but I’ve been hunting Russian terrorists from my couch for the last four years.
My first deployment was on a three seat sofa in Melbourne from which, green as grass and with an itchy trigger finger, I picked up the trail of a group of ne’er-do-wells and swore to bring them to justice. I followed the threat wherever it took me and in 2008 I was transferred to a uncomfortable, futon lounge at a secure location in London.
It was war, but notwithstanding one horrible incident at a Russian airport, those were happy days. Good hours were spent in the company of comrades, defusing bombs, calling in UAVs, camping on supply drops and capturing Charlie.
But everything wanes in time and eventually, even I wasn’t without battlescars. Sporting two thumbs riddled with RSI and a pair of index fingers calloused beyond repair, it was clear that my days of chasing terrorists were at an end, so I decided to settle down, adding a wife and two children to my personal platoon.
It turned out to be the right decision and before long I was safely ensconced in a leafy North-London suburb for a quiet life of nappies, beer and telling embellished tales of my exploits to anyone who would listen.
Or so I thought.
Not two nights ago, after putting the kids to bed and installing my wife in front of something involving public ridicule and GAry Barlow, I heard chatter on the squawk-box that a new threat was rearing its head, in London no less.
Now I’m not the soldier I once was; my joints are stiff, my reflexes are tired and my three-seat, terrorist-hunting sofa has been traded for a one-woman, rocking chair designed primarily for breast feeding.
But despite these handicaps, I’ll be damned if I’m going to put up with fictional terrorists rampaging through my town. I may be over the gaming hill, but let’s not forget that I’m a patient, willing, thirty-three year old man with a comfortable chair and the $44.99 that Activision will charge me to hunt these terrorist dogs down.
Kent Valentine is a committed husband and father of who will have sore fingers and tired eyes for the next few weeks.
If theres are two things that tickle my fancy, they are videogames and kickstarter, so imagine my delight when Brandon Boyer (@Brandonnn) kicked off this bad boy.
Get behind it game fans!
Hey video-game makers, if you want us to listen to the 30+ hours of voice acting in your next game, how about a protagonist that doesn’t have a voice like broken glass?
I’ll be performing my 2011 solo show Sex, Maths & Eric Clapton at the Camden Fringe Festival from Monday 8th – Wednesday 10th August @ 8pm. If you’re in London around those dates, please come along as this show won’t be making the rounds of all the festivals so it may be your only chance to see it. Full details are as follows:
Kent Valentine – Sex, Maths & Eric Clapton @ The Camden Fringe Kent tells stories that are full of jokes and he’s very good at it. In 2010 he won the Comedy Award & the LA Fringe Award for International performer at the Hollywood Fringe Festival. He was also nominated for best comedy at the Buxton Fringe & the Australian Comedy Review Critics Award at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. He hates Eric Clapton.
- Buy tickets for Mon 8 August 2011 at 8:00pm
- Buy tickets for Tue 9 August 2011 at 8:00pm
- Buy tickets for Wed 10 August 2011 at 8:00pm
The Camden Head (formerly known as Liberties Bar) 100 Camden High Street London NW1 0LU ticket price: £7.50 (concessions: £6.00)